Schmatta Central

I hate those little fucking bags they give your kids when they leave a birthday party. Why do parents feel the need to inflict other families with a bag full of junk that your kids claim has things that they absolutely need and must collect, but in reality will just clutter your house, making it so that anywhere you step there’s a little broken car, beaded necklace, faulty kazoo, deflated balloon, plastic whistle, paper party hat, and fairy stickers underfoot ready to make you trip and fall? Then they are full of candy that you have to fight your kids so that they don’t eat it all in one sitting and become sugared-up maniacs, with cavities. NOBODY likes these bags, why do people keep handing them out? Perhaps revenge for making them invite your kid over to eat cold pizza and stale cupcakes at the bowling alley. Why can’t my kids just go to a birthday party and that’s it? Why does the party have to follow them home? In fact all kids birthday parties should be abolished. Nobody wants to have them at home to avoid the disaster that will ensue from 10 kids trashing the place, and places that hold parties are for the most part fucking depressing, with their sticky tables and dirty walls in their “party room” with peeling murals of little bears and Pac-mans and booger-covered broken toys “for the little ones”. And those fucking little bags of junk you take home. I hate those.

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9 Responses to Schmatta Central

  1. DrugMonkey says:

    Grouchy pants.

  2. Gerty-z says:

    I had this exact conversation earlier today before mini-g went to a birthday party.

  3. Vicki says:

    My girlfriend was just telling me about going shopping with friends at a party supply store to get stuff for an about-to-be-six-year-old’s upcoming birthday party, and the mother was trying to decide on a theme. I noted that when I was six, the “theme” for a birthday party was cake. Or maybe ice cream. Conceivably even an ice cream cake. My husband suggested that the theme for his parties at that age might have been paper hats. We then got onto a discussion of cakes cut into interesting shapes, and that we’d been broadly allowed to choose our own birthday cakes. But that meant that I could ask for, and get, yellow cake with strawberries from a local bakery, and someone else could have a chocolate cake every year.

    Kids today have things I didn’t because they didn’t exist then–from chickenpox vaccine to personal music players–and that’s cool. My childhood was no paradise. But fancy themed parties and goodie bags wouldn’t have helped.

  4. London, Ontario says:

    We hired Mad Science to do one of my son’s birthday parties. We gave out bags of ‘goodies’. The problem there was that I wanted to play with all the neat sciencey toys that came in the bags.

  5. Supercool Wife says:

    Oh my. grouchy pants indeed. I gave out packets of flower seeds at little Nam’s party this past year. I think they were Forget-me-nots.

  6. Arlenna says:


  7. Art says:

    You’re just not properly equipped to deal with this situation.

    You need a large high-power wood chipper. You can then make a show of forcing your children to feed the chipper all those toys. You can get them to participate by choosing which toys to lose. You can play the kids off each other. Any infraction reported allows the kid to feed Mister Chipper the other kids toy instead of their own. You can make a game of it. And wear a special hat and mask of doom for toys.

    If they take too long to chose which toy to feed to Mister Chipper you can chose for them. Be sure to ridicule any tears, and laugh, and laugh at their horror and sorrow. Make a hobby of twisting the psychological knife, and making the most of what horror you can impose.

  8. Camille says:

    Oh my God I swear you are in my head. That is exactly how I feel. I hate loot bags they are useless and a waste of money. I just paid over 200 dollars for a party for your child to eat and play and celebrate with my child. If you really look at it it is an expensive playdate or free babysitting. That being said I have given out gift cards to Michaels or Chapters/Indigo but even now that is no more.

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